My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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