I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
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