yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
