checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Man, jail baloney is awful.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize