In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Dignity is for republicans.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
