Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
