I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
