What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
