Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
They took my balls.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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