Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
