remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
