Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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