i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
