Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
