There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
