I wish I could teleport
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
