Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i out mim tonsoeep
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
