U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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