uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
