lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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