I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
