false alarm. still invincible.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
