so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
