i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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