I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
