at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
