i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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