And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
