Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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