I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
