then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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