I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
