Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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