I like to think it a success when the cops are called
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
