Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
