i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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