That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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