I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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