Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
