he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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