He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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