Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
