Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
