idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
