Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
