I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
