I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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