Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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