I just made out with a guy for $7.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
