So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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