I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
