I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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