i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
