so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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