She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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