Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
