My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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