i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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