you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
