The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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