I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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