Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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